


Feel Again

by lavieboheme0919



Series: The Panopticon Saga [2]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alpha Stiles, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hunters, Kitsune Stiles, Kitsunes, M/M, Mates, Pack Dynamics, Psychological Trauma, Rape Aftermath
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-21
Updated: 2014-12-09
Packaged: 2018-01-20 07:41:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1502270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavieboheme0919/pseuds/lavieboheme0919
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Counting Stars. In the aftermath of what happened to Stiles in the Panopticon, he must work to repair himself, with those he loves there to help him as new dangers make his journey to self-acceptance all the more perilous and difficult.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If I Lose Myself

_As the russet fox came over a ridge, he caught a scent and began to track it, veering off course. The wolf followed until the fox shifted back into the pale, thin man that the wolf loved more than life itself. Derek shifted back to his human form as well and the two quickly hid in the bushes. Derek wrapped his arms around Stiles, his hands covering the scars in Stiles' abdomen from where his claws had been. "What's wrong?"_

" _Do you smell that?" Stiles asked._

" _I smell you," Derek replied, burying his nose in Stiles' neck, showering him with kisses and playful bites._

_Stiles giggled momentarily before pulling out of Derek's grip. "No I mean it… that smell… it's… it can't be…"_

Derek knew what the scent smelled like. It was a name he had hoped would never come back up. "Stiles wait!" Derek called, running after him. "You buried him two years ago! This could be a trick."

"But what if it isn't?" Stiles asked.

"How could it not be?" Derek insisted. "We both watched him die. Besides… the scent is different somehow."

"Maybe he's scared…"

Derek shook his head. "You and I both know that Chris Argent will never be afraid of anything."

Stiles turned around, burying his head in Derek's chest. Derek rubbed his back, trying to soothe him. "I miss him," Stiles sobbed.

"I know," Derek replied. "Do you want to go visit his grave? Maybe it'll give you some closure… it can show you that he's still there." It hurt Derek to know that his Mate still pined for someone else. It felt like a dagger to the gut each time Stiles woke up in the middle of the night, screaming another man's name. Yet Derek was the one who helped calm the nightmares and pick up the pieces of Stiles' fractured psyche. He hated the fact that he'd never again fully have Stiles' heart because half of it was taken by a corpse and sealed in that corpse's tomb.

As the sun began to set, Stiles pulled away from Derek. "We need to head back home," he said. He shifted, darting off the way they came. Derek followed, keeping a bit of a distance. Stiles spent much of his time exploring as a fox. So much so that Derek felt the need to bring it up to Scott and the Captain.

" _I honestly think it's because being human hurts Stiles too much. There is a piece of him that died in the Panopticon. There's another part of him that he buried with Chris… He was already so broken before he was taken, Derek. We knew that," the Captain said._

" _What do you mean?" Scott asked._

" _After you were abducted, Stiles changed," Derek told him. "He became vengeful and angry. He was obsessed with finding you and even tortured Guardsmen for information on whether or not you were alive still."_

" _That doesn't sound like Stiles," Scott replied._

" _We know," Derek and the Captain responded in unison._

" _You're his mate," the Captain said to Derek. "You're the one who will be able to pull him back, but you have to understand that he will never be the same. And it's going to hurt all of us to see that and it's going to kill us to accept it. The Stiles we know… the Stiles we love is dead. We have to learn to love this new person… and show him how to love us."_

Derek realized he'd begun to cry as he remembered that conversation. He shook his head, forcing the tear to roll off his fur. Only once he was back in their house did he shift back. Stiles was standing naked in the living room. "Why can't I move on?" he asked, not turning to look back at his Mate, who could hear the sadness and despair in his voice, punctuated by the way the scent of it cascaded off the man he loved.

"For the same reason you were able to kill Deucalion," Derek replied softly, approaching Stiles slowly from behind and wrapping his arms tightly around him. As was typical lately, Stiles flinched from the touch and only barely allowed himself to relax against Derek. "We can heal from just about anything… unless we believe we can't. The things that were done to you—"

Stiles pulled away from Derek. "Stop trying to pretend you understand what I went through. You don't… you weren't there."

"I might as well have been," Derek replied. "Every time they tortured you… every time they raped you… I felt it. So of anyone, I understand."

"And how can you ever want me in that way if you know what they did to me?" Stiles asked.

"Because I know it wasn't your fault," Derek replied.

"I was unfaithful to you, Derek. I fell in love with another man… and I confessed my love to him in front of you…"

"And again, I don't mind," Derek insisted.

"Why don't you hate me for what I've done?" Stiles demanded, growing frustrated.

"I could never hate you, Stiles. I travelled across the continent to rescue you. I love you," Derek replied, hugging Stiles tightly. "Why would you want me to hate you?"

Stiles broke down, clutching Derek's shirt tightly. "Because then maybe I wouldn't be the only one who does…." Derek stood there, rubbing Stiles' back as he cried. It was the first time Stiles had opened up about any of this since they'd left the Panopticon to years prior. For Stiles, the ability to finally release all of the self-hatred and anger he felt was a nearly overwhelming experience. When no more tears would leave his eyes, Stiles finally pulled away from Derek. He looked exhausted. "I'm sorry, Derek. I really am."

Shaking his head, Derek replied, "You have nothing to be sorry for, Stiles. We both finally have the full story."

"What do you mean?"

"From the moment we met, there was something about you… that dark part of you that I could never figure out. I understand now why it's there. None of this has been your fault. Deucalion was the person who started all of this," Derek said. "He's the one who lied and tricked you into losing your virginity to him. If that hadn't have happened, you never would have killed the man in the street. We wouldn't have gone on the run, you wouldn't have been caught by the Guild and nothing that happened at the Panopticon would have happened to you. I'm finally able to look at the entire board."

"But if Deucalion hadn't tricked me, I would never have met you… or Chris," Stiles replied.

Despite the fact that he'd rather not hear about the other man who Stiles loved, Derek recognized that he had made a breakthrough. Stiles was finally opening up to him. "Do you want to talk about Chris?"

Stiles pursed his lips. It seemed as though he was going to begin crying again. He took several moments to compose himself before he finally spoke. "Gerard backed me into a corner. Kate had already tortured me, trying to get the Alpha Pack's location. I didn't think they'd have stayed in that one place… I thought they would be more nomadic. So she had Aaron steal the memories from me. As payment, she let him rape me because I'm your Mate."

"Why would it matter to him that I'm your Mate?" Derek asked.

"Peter killed his Mate, and since you're his nephew, he wanted to get back at Peter," Stiles explained. Derek listened, finally able to hear what he'd only been able to have glimpses of while it was happening. As Stiles described the brainwashing techniques Kate used, Derek cringed. He remembered them well. "And then Chris came. He saved my life. But I was convinced that you were somewhere in the Panopticon and I needed him to advance me forward so I could find you and escape. I tried to confuse him with sex. It worked at first, except he fell in love with me. Every time we had sex, I closed my eyes and imagined it was you, that way I could convince myself that maybe I wasn't betraying you."

"Stiles, you were doing what you needed to survive. I'd never hold that against you," Derek assured him.

"But it grew to a point that I didn't need to picture you because I realized that he was a good person. He wasn't like his father or his sister. In fact, there was a growing segment of the Guild that wanted to change how the Hunters did business. They wanted to return to the Code. Chris was their leader," Stiles continued. "At that point, I realized how similar you two are and I fell in love with him. He loved me enough to give me up… because he knew I'd be happier with you."

"But you haven't been happy," Derek pointed out. "You've been miserable and it's killing me to see that because I don't know how to help."

"You've already helped," Stiles replied, hugging Derek again. "I'll try to open up more."

Derek smiled, relishing the way it felt to have Stiles hug him again. "I love you," Derek whispered.

* * *

It took time. There were weeks of little talks where Derek learned more and more about what Stiles thought and felt about what happened to him. Slowly, Derek could see lights returning to his eyes. He less time in his full fox form as Derek taught him how to partially shift and how to fight using his new strength and claws. He wasn't good at fighting that way and decided that he'd preferred to use his knife and guns.

A Druid Emissary also helped teach Stiles how to control his abilities as a fully-fledged earth kitsune. "Where are your tails?" the Druid asked after lessons one day.

"They're in a tomb, sealed away safely," Stiles replied.

The Druid looked horrified. "You need to keep them close by at all times! You will lose your powers as a kitsune if the tails are sacrificed."

"We can go get them," Derek replied. "It'll be good for us to travel alone."

"I'll create a box to safely store them that can prevent others from detecting what they actually are," the Druid told them. "It'll be ready when you return."

* * *

Derek and Stiles made arrangements to leave a few days later. It felt strange returning to the Territory after spending two years South of the Wall. Derek took Stiles' hand and squeezed it tightly when they passed the border.

They knew it would likely take a week for them to get to the tomb, which stood in the area where the Panopticon once had.

After a day's travel, they decided to set up camp for the night. Using his abilities, Stiles was able to make a tent to protect them. As they crawled in next to one another, Stiles allowed his hand to caress Derek's naked stomach. It was the first time Stiles had touched him in that way since before he'd been taken.

Derek returned the caress with a deep kiss. More than two years of pent-up desire bubbled to the surface as the kiss deepened. Derek pulled away momentarily. "Are you sure?" he asked Stiles. "Now that you're a supernatural creature… we'll establish our Mate bond permanently."

"I want it," Stiles replied. "Because maybe if I have that tie to you, I'll be able to finally move past Chris."

Derek's face fell slightly. "I want you to establish the connection because you want to be connected to me…"

Stiles' eyes glowed as he looked up at Derek. "I do, Derek. Please…"

"It's going to hurt like your first time," Derek replied, moving back into position.

"Pain makes us human," Stiles said softly, turning his head to the side. "Isn't that what you and Scott always tell me?"

"You've endured enough pain for one lifetime," Derek countered, placing kisses on Stiles' neck. "This isn't how I imagined us doing this…"

Pausing for a moment, Stiles looked up at Derek. "If we do this and I become your Mate… will I lose myself?"

"What do you mean?" Derek asked.

"I love you. You know that," Stiles started. "But I still want to be  _me_. I don't want to be just an extension of you."

"You're an Alpha of a different species," Derek replied. "If you were a beta werewolf, there might be some risk of that… look at Scott and Isaac."

Nodding his understanding, Stiles asked one last question. "And will I forget  _him_?"

Sighing, Derek shook his head. "No. You won't forget him. You'll simply be solidifying your connection to me."

Again, Stiles nodded, "Then do it now… But don't take the pain."

Derek looked concerned. "We can wait until we get home again."

"I don't want to wait, Derek!" Stiles insisted. "Because I'm tired of feeling like I've been torn in half… I'm tired of feeling like part of me has been buried with someone I only knew for a few weeks. If it hurts while you're doing it, then maybe that's the price I need to pay for the betrayals I've committed."

Using plenty of spit, Derek did his best to prepare Stiles before lubing himself as best he could before slowly pushing in. Stiles' claws scratched into the ground beneath him as he felt Derek's girth stretch him for the first time in more than two years. It hurt more than his first time with Deucalion. It hurt more than Aaron's violation of his body in the Panopticon. It was excruciating and Derek immediately wanted to stop because he could see the agony written on Stiles' face.

"Keep going," Stiles urged him. His eyes were glowing red and his fangs had descended. Derek continued pushing in, hoping that Stiles wouldn't transform fully. In truth, he couldn't. Stiles' fox nature was resisting the way Stiles was forcing himself to submit to a wolf, but Stiles' human side was glad that the connection between them would be permanently codified. He was stuck in the middle of his transformation as his body tried to heal against the large cock now slowly thrusting in and out of him.

As Stiles' body resisted him, Derek was forced to shift partially, relying on the added strength to be able to continue thrusting. The extreme tightness and the sheer length of time Derek had gone since last making love to Stiles caused his knot to form rather quickly as his wolfish instincts began to kick in, desperately trying to get the knot into Stiles.

Stiles bit his lip, his fangs drawing blood as the knot finally slipped past Stiles' tight ring. What had once felt like a loosely bound string between their hearts now felt like a solid, unbreakable channel. The intensity with which the bond hit Derek knocked the air from his lungs and rendered him momentarily incapable of speech. Every bit of self-doubt, self-loathing, confusion, animosity, and regret Stiles felt, Derek now felt with absolute clarity. The insight it gave him into how Stiles truly viewed himself was heartbreaking for Derek to finally understand. Before, he had mere fragments that he pieced together to come up with a picture. "Do you feel that?" he asked Stiles, hoping that if he could feel Stiles' pain, maybe Stiles could feel his love.

Though he definitely felt a tug at his consciousness, the clarity he was hoping this would bring him simply didn't come. Stiles feared that this meant his spirit truly  _had_  been broken in the Panopticon and no matter what he did for the rest of his life, he'd be forced to feel this agony. He was terrified he'd never be able to fully commit to Derek the way he knew he wanted, or the way he knew Derek wanted him to.

"I don't think it worked," Stiles said softly after Derek finally pulled out of him.

"But I feel our bond stronger than I've ever felt it before," Derek countered.

Stiles shook his head, beginning to cry. "I can feel that you have the connection to me, but it's like one-sided glass. Derek, I'm so sorry…"

"Shhh," Derek murmured. "It's alright. We'll talk to the Druids… we'll figure out what's going on."

"I already know what's going on," Stiles said as he turned over, putting his back to Derek. "I'm beyond repair."

* * *

The next day, they woke with the sun. Stiles destroyed the evidence of their camp and they moved on. Each day, they travelled as far as they could, able to cover much more ground in their animal forms than in their human forms. He was thankful for this, since he couldn't feel pain nor could they talk about the fact that the Mate thing failed and Stiles blamed himself for being unfaithful.

They didn't need to talk about it, though, because Derek could feel all of it. He just hoped that once they got to Chris' tomb, Stiles would see that the body was still there and hopefully get the closure that would allow their Mate connection to finally thrive.

Six more days of relative silence passed between them until the site of the tomb could be seen as they rounded a hill. Stiles shifted back to human, not caring that he was now naked. He slowly approached the structure he built out of his grief and sorrow. Derek shifted too, watching as Stiles ran his fingers over the inscription.

"That scent we caught back home… it's here, too," Stiles said.

"But the tomb is still sealed," Derek pointed out.

Stepping back several paces, Stiles concentrated, lowering one wall, allowing them in. He didn't want Derek to go in with him. He wanted this place to remain untouched by anyone else. It was dark. "Have you ever heard of foxfire?" Derek asked.

Stiles shook his head.

"It's something kitsunes have the ability to make. You can manifest it into little orbs," Derek said.

"I'm an Earth Kitsune," Stiles replied.

"It doesn't matter," Derek said. "Just concentrate." Stiles did. Two bright flames began to float in mid-air. The concentration required to keep them was immense. "It's supposed to be easier if you rub your tails together."

"My tails are in Chris' casket," Stiles replied. He stepped into the dark room. The overwhelming scent of stale air assaulted them. The small flickering fires provided enough light for them to see the casket, which still looked untouched. They slowly approached, though Derek gave Stiles some space. Stiles pushed away the top.

"See," Derek said.

"Uh Derek…"

"What?"

"The casket is empty."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: In celebration of finishing my last semester, I'm writing a lot. I hope you liked the first chapter of the sequel! It's going to be just as much of an adventure as Counting Stars was! Please give me feedback!


	2. Bargains

The panic in Stiles' voice made Derek all the more fearful. "What could happen if someone has all of your tails?" he asked.

"They could snap them one by one until I have no power left," Stiles replied. "But what happened to Chris' body?"

"I'm not sure," Derek said softly, hugging Stiles tightly, who turned around, burying his face in Derek's chest as he wept, doing his best to think about things other than the potential acts of desecration that might have been perpetrated on Chris' body. "We'll find your tails," Derek assured him. "And we'll find Chris' body and return it where it belongs."

Stiles pulled away from Derek. "If we find the person responsible, what I did to Aaron will look like child's play," he vowed.

Even in the light as they walked outside, Derek could see the darkness hanging over Stiles. He knew his Mate wouldn't sleep until he punished those responsible. "I don't want this to be a repeat of what happened two years ago," Derek said. "This site has seen enough death and pain. You've grown… you've changed since then, Stiles."

Stiles turned around, facing Derek as he shook his head. "Not that much," he replied as he shifted back, trying to get a good hang of the scent that seemed to be everywhere.

"Stiles, don't do this!" Derek called, running after Stiles, shifting in mid-air as he leapt in front of the fox. They couldn't communicate in their animal forms, but Derek could easily overpower Stiles.

A rustling noise grabbed their attention. Stiles slunk slow to the ground as he crawled over in the direction. The scent was getting stronger. Derek whimpered, not wanting Stiles to go any closer to danger. He crouched down, following his Mate's lead as they approached a clearing in the woods that were growing around the former Panopticon.

From a distance, Stiles and Derek could see a man crouched by a stream. He seemed to be splashing his face with water. A quiver on his back seemed to be full of arrows, but neither Stiles nor Derek saw a bow anywhere in his vicinity. It wasn't until they got closer that Stiles realized they weren't arrows at all… they were his tails. He reeked of the scent that filled Chris' tomb. Whoever he was, this man was the one who broke in. Stiles ran after him, jumping and shifting back, tackling the man into the water.

He held the man's face below the surface as he struggled against the sneak attack. When Stiles could see he was close to drowning, he threw the man onto the ground, kicking him over onto his back. As he looked at the man's face, he fell backwards. Derek shifted back and slowly approached.

The man groaned, looking up at Stiles. "That's not exactly the reunion I was hoping for," he said.

Stiles continued to stare, not sure how to respond. He looked like Chris. He smelled like Chris, but different somehow. "How?" Stiles asked.

He shook his head. "I woke up inside the casket with these swords… Once I got out of the tomb and could see that they were your tails, I thought I'd track you down and return them to you. But when I got South of the Wall, I had a hard time finding you."

"We smelled you," Derek said.

"Why couldn't I find you, then?" Chris asked.

"Scott and I were masking us," Derek confessed.

Stiles didn't know how to process this. He wasn't sure if the man before him was really Chris. He looked like Chris. He sounded like Chris. He even felt like Chris. But Stiles knew he laid his Hunter's lifeless body to rest in the tomb nearby. Chris's eyes never left the young man. "Are you alright, Stiles?"

"I…" Stiles began, but the ability to speak failed him.

Derek dropped to his side. "Stiles…"

"That's not him…" Stiles said.

"Of course I am…"

"No!" Stiles argued. "You're not  _my_  Hunter! You're some impostor… you have to be… Chris died."

Chris moved closer. "It's me, Stiles. I swear."

"Prove it."

"Before the Alphas attacked, you gave me a bullet you were saving to use on my father. I gave you the last remaining silver bullet I possessed from when I became a Hunter," Chris replied.

Stiles' features relaxed and Chris closed the distance between them, allowing their lips to touch. "It's really you," Stiles said breathlessly between kisses. They became lost in their affection until Derek cleared his throat.

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't make out with my Mate in front of me… especially considering neither of us are wearing clothes…" Derek said coldly.

The fact that Stiles was naked hadn't been noticed by Chris, who saw Stiles naked for the majority of their time together. Chris respectfully pulled away from Stiles and took off his shirt, offering it to the young man as a way to cover up. Stiles smiled, pulling his knees close to his chest and wrapping the shirt around his front. "You smell different," he noted.

"Because I  _am_  different," Chris replied. His eyes flashed golden yellow.

"You're a werewolf…" Stiles whispered. "How?"

"A deep scratch can turn a person. I was close to death… but I slowly healed… and then I broke out. It took me a while to master the art of being a werewolf… but when I finally did, I came to find you and return your tails," he said.

"I thought your kind had a Code…" Derek interjected. "One that covered how to handle such an occasion."

"What's he talking about?" Stiles asked Chris.

"Hunters  _do_  have an honor code that says that if turned, we are to commit suicide. I couldn't do that without returning your tails to you," Chris said.

"You're not going to kill yourself, are you?" Stiles asked, panic filling his voice.

Chris gave him a reassuring smile. "Of course not," he said. "I was hoping I could travel back South of the Wall with you two, and then split off from there."

"I'd love that," Stiles replied. Derek gave an annoyed grunt. All of the work he'd done to help Stiles move past Chris had just been upended.

"We should be on our way then," Derek said, shifting back to his wolf form, adding a measure of finality to what he said. Stiles nodded and shifted, too, becoming buried beneath Chris' shirt. Chris chuckled and pulled his shirt back on as the three of them ventured on.

* * *

 

The trip back took longer as Chris didn't know how to fully shift to wolf form and even if he had, it would have done them no good since he needed to carry the tails. However, when they finally got back home, Derek quickly pulled on clothes and ordered Stiles to do the same.

Though Stiles obeyed, he was unhappy being spoken to like that and made sure it was known. He understood Derek's apparent distrust. Until now, Chris was only a theoretical threat because he'd been, to their knowledge, dead. But now that they knew he was very much alive, the feelings Stiles held for him were churning once again. His heart was flying with the whims of possibilities that their love might hold, yet it was bogged down with the guilt of having those same thoughts.

Derek prepared them a meal and as they sat down and ate, he asked Chris, "So how long do you plan on staying here?"

Stiles glared imperiously at Derek. "Please don't..."

"It's alright, Stiles," Chris replied. He turned his attention to Derek. "I intended to get an early start tomorrow. I don't want to overstay my welcome."

"Good," Derek said. "I'm sure you can appreciate how having a  _Hunter_  around my pack might make me a little jumpy." The contempt in his voice soured the meal Stiles was trying to enjoy. He threw down his fork and walked outside.

It didn't take long for him to be joined by Derek. "Go away," Stiles said, moving several paces away.

"Stiles, I'm sorry…" Derek said. "I just… I lose my temper."

"I've seen you lose your temper before, Derek," Stiles replied. "That was something else entirely."

"It was hard enough competing with his ghost," Derek said finally. "Now that he's alive… I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to keep you."

Sighing, Stiles turned to look at Derek. "I won't lie and say that him coming back hasn't been a bit confusing… but you should trust me."

"I just… I wish I could impart to you how frustrating it is to me to see all the progress we've made go completely to the wayside over this," Derek said. "You're my Mate. That bond is sealed on my end. I thought that maybe after we visited and you saw that the grave was untouched that you'd open yourself up and claim me, too. I get that you loved him… and that you probably still do… and that he was there for you when I couldn't be. I get that you didn't intend any of that to happen. But I feel like the third wheel in my relationship with you and it hurts."

"I'm not sure what to do," Stiles said softly, sitting down and inviting Derek to sit next to him. "I've loved you for so long… I literally can't even imagine my life without you in it. I was going insane being separated from you in the Panopticon. But life without Chris seems equally unfathomable and I know that it shouldn't. I  _know_  that it's hurting you and I can't seem to stop it. I wish I could just tell him to hit the bricks, but if I did, it'd be like I cut off a limb."

Taking his seat next to Stiles, Derek watched as the sun set over the tops of the forest. "There's no way to make us both happy," he said. "But I've not seen the lights dance in your eyes the way they did when you saw him. And it kills me because I wasn't the one who caused them."

"I'm so sorry…"

"Don't be," Derek replied. "It isn't your fault. Hearts are incredibly fickle things, Stiles. Perhaps even more so for a kitsune."

"So how do we solve this problem?" Stiles asked. "I've been with you… I've loved you the longest. I don't want to do anything to hurt you."

Derek put his arm around Stiles and drew him closer. "We're both Alphas. We can handle this in an adult manner. Why don't we come to an agreement that we both can live with?"

Nodding, Stiles replied, "Ok, what do you propose?"

"Let him be  _your_  Beta… but house him with someone else," Derek said.

"I can't exactly go up to my father and say, 'I need you to take on a roommate… He's nearly your age and I fell in love with him while we were trapped in the Panopticon. Have fun!' He'd flip his lid!" Stiles said. "And Scott wouldn't be supportive either."

Derek chuckled at the mental image that conjured. "Your father would be  _pissed_."

"I could use my powers to make him a house like I did for the rest of our pack," Stiles suggested.

"That could work," Derek conceded. "Are there any stipulations you want to propose?"

Stiles thought for a moment. "I want to be allowed to have sex with him… But I'll make sure you don't smell him on me and that I always come home to you…"

A low growl escaped Derek's throat at the thought of Stiles having sex with another man. "It sounds like one of us will be your mistress."

"The man never goes home to the mistress, Derek," Stiles pointed out.

"Then why don't we make that a little more official?"

"What do you mean?"

"Marry me. Be my husband so I know you'll always come home to me…"

"I don't need to marry you for that," Stiles started. But he realized that for what he was asking, marriage was a pitifully small price. "But I will."

Derek's grin seemed to stretch across his face as he leaned over and kissed his now groom-to-be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Thanks for your patience! I hope you liked this chapter... and the reveal! As always, I invite you to leave feedback. It really helps my muse and it will mean that I will be updating much, much faster.


	3. Everything Changes

"This feels wrong somehow," Chris complained as Stiles rested his head against the beta's chest.

"How is loving one another wrong?" Stiles asked.

"It felt like we're sneaking behind Derek's back," Chris replied. "You two have something good. I don't want to ruin it. I'm fine with finding a different pack."

"You're not ruining anything," Stiles insisted. "I've told Derek… and I'll tell you: I can't choose between you two. I wish I could… and I know it's hurting him, but if I had to choose, I'd literally be ripping my limbs off."

"You used the word 'literally' wrong," Chris said.

"Shut up and fuck me," Stiles replied.

Chris sighed. This wasn't the Stiles he knew before. He was different. He was petulant and capricious. All of these were likely side-effects of becoming a kitsune as powerful as he was, but it still hurt. Chris took a position that was both familiar and strange to him. As he pushed in, there was a familiar tightness hugging him.

Stiles scratched at the ground, his eyes glowing at the pain of the initial penetration, but as his body slowly accommodated his lover, things began to reach a new level of clarity. He urged Chris to go deeper, faster, harder. His body wanted it more than oxygen. He needed it. He continued clawing at the ground because he didn't want to injure Chris by clawing at his back in the sublime pleasure he was feeling. It took thirty minutes for Chris to finally orgasm, but when he did, Stiles felt a strange pull. Chris collapsed to his side and immediately Stiles moved into position to fuck him. "Whoa, what are you doing?" Chris asked.

"I have to do this," Stiles replied.

Chris didn't understand, he just nodded his consent and added a, "Be careful, though…"

Stiles was, at first. He did all the things it took to prepare him. Then he slowly pushed in, feeling for the first time, the inexorable pleasure of the action. He slowly worked up to a fast, hard pace. Chris kept reminding him to slow down. Then he felt it. It was a strange pressure as his animal instincts kicked in. He began thrusting in a furious frenzy. He'd never knotted before. He didn't know what was happening or how to fight it until he felt it finally push into Chris and the pressure seemed to dissipate as his cum blasted into him. Lightning seemed to flow through him. He had never felt so clear in his life. He could feel the panic and the pain Chris was feeling. With a simple touch, he was able to take away at least the physical part of it.

"What was that?" Chris asked, though he was pretty sure he knew.

"I…" Stiles began, pausing as the realization hit him. "I think you're my Mate. Did you feel what I felt?"

Chris shook his head. "I just felt a lot of pain as you forced your knot into me."

"We need to tell Derek," Stiles said.

"Yeah. That will go over very well. Let's call him over while your knot is in me and we smell like each other," Chris said.

"He needs to know. This might explain what's been going on with me," Stiles said. "For the first time since I was turned, I don't feel like my mind has been split in half. My feelings for you and my feelings for Derek make perfect sense."

"But if I'm your Mate, that will crush Derek!" Chris said. "And I'm pretty sure he'll want to kill me."

"Mates are sacred," Stiles said. "You'd be safe. Will you just trust me?" He felt his knot go down and was able to pull out. The two headed to the nearby river and washed up. They let themselves dry in the sun then put on clothes and headed back. When they told Derek, his scream of rage could be heard for miles.

"You!" he snarled accusingly at Chris. "This is  _your_  fault!"

Stiles stepped between them. "Derek… calm down. This is a good thing," Stiles said.

"How the fuck do you figure that?" Derek demanded. "You and him are a Mated pair!"

"No… I'm Mated to him. Not the other way around. And for the first time in a long time, I can think clearly," Stiles said. "I don't feel pulled in both directions. And it's like… I love and I want to protect Chris, but I love and want to be with you. It's strange."

Derek was still pissed. But he now understood what was happening. It was rare, but occasionally, Mates happened outside the typical pair, especially if there was more than one Alpha in a pack. It allowed for more genetic diversity. Isaac and Scott had been a Mated pair for a long time, but Stiles joining the pack as a different creature and an Alpha created a mating triad. This meant that in order to complete the triad, he would need to have sex with Chris to establish their Mate bond. He looked at Chris with contempt and derision. He was going to put this off until the last possible moment, knowing how it would affect Chris until the Mate bond was established. When he did finally speak, it was a simple, "I need to think about this."

"Of course," Chris said.

Derek glared at him. "In the meantime, I want him to leave for now."

"Derek!" Stiles pleaded. "Don't do this…"

"I am still the leader of this pack," Derek growled. "He might be  _your_  beta, but as far as I'm concerned, he's an omega. He's the pack bitch and if I tell him I want him to leave, then it is his place to ask me how far and for how long he needs to go."

"If he leaves, then I'm going with him," Stiles threatened.

"No you will not," Derek ordered, his eyes glowing red. Chris felt the influence of his Alpha powers forcing him into a submissive position. Stiles could feel it pressing on him, too. Instead of submitting, he flashed his eyes, feeling his will bouncing against Derek's like a buffer, protecting Chris from it. "I know you think that you're doing the right thing, Stiles… but if you keep choosing him over me, I'll make sure you no longer have multiple options to choose from."

"Don't threaten him," Stiles warned.

"I wasn't," Derek replied. "It will be absolute agony for me, but I'll leave. I'll leave you and I'll leave this pack. I'm sick of it, Stiles. I deserve better than to be treated the way I'm letting you treat me. Not because I'm an Alpha… but because I'm a person."

"I thought you said you loved me," Stiles said, sad anger filling his eyes.

"I do, Stiles," Derek said. "More than life itself, though lately, I wonder why. But there comes a point where I have to love myself enough to act in my own best interests."

"Don't leave him because of me," Chris interjected. He hated how their life had been nothing but this tug of war over Stiles that he didn't want to be a part of. "I'm tired of being the reason you fight."

"I really wish you would have just stayed dead," Derek said.

"Derek!" Stiles shouted.

"No," Chris said. "He's right. I should have never come back. You would have eventually gotten over me."

"Will the two of you shut the fuck up and listen to me?" Stiles yelled. "I don't feel torn anymore. I can commit to just one of you. And I choose you, Derek. And Chris, I love you… and you're my Beta. But whatever happened, I finally feel for Derek what I used to feel before I got taken to the Panopticon. So if you can both get over your macho jealousy, we might be able to live a peaceful existence. We can finally be a pack."

And then they felt it. Derek had felt it only once before. It was agony, like every molecule of his body was being ripped apart. A member of their pack had been killed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: So I apologize for how shitty and short this chapter was. I was just super writer's blocked for this story. Please don't hate me...


	4. Where the Road Forks

Confusion. Fear. Their unique and pungent odors permeated the clearing where the houses sat. Stiles and Derek burst into the area between their houses, joined quickly by the rest of the pack. All members were well and accounted for. "That can't be," Derek whispered. "We all felt it… but why?"

The agony hit again several more times. Stiles fell to his knees, almost unable to see in the blinding pain. Suddenly he found himself missing the machine Kate had locked him up in. "Derek, help," Stiles pleaded. Both Chris and Derek were at his side. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to get to the mental place that allowed him zen during his torture in the Panopticon. Then he saw it. He saw them. Kitsunes being slaughtered. There was an entire family of them. Now they were all dead, not too far from where they were. When he opened his eyes, the pain vanished.

"Stiles, what is it?" Erica asked softly, kneeling down in front of him.

"It was a bunch of kitsunes," Stiles said. "Someone killed them."

"But they're not in our pack," Boyd said.

"But they're in Stiles' pack and he's in ours," Chris said. "Werewolves have alphas because wolves have alphas. Kitsunes don't have alphas. They, like foxes, live in families. Certainly, there is a leader, but it's a parental thing. Stiles is the first Alpha Kitsune to ever exist. Somehow he's connected to every other kitsune on the planet."

"We have to help them," Stiles said. "They're in danger."

"If kitsunes are in danger, Stiles," Derek noted. "So are you."

Stiles didn't see it that way. He felt the weight of being an Alpha for the first time. "I have to help them, Derek. They're my responsibility."

Derek understood the sentiment. "Then we'll help you."

The Captain finally broke his silence. "No. I won't lose you again. I still haven't really even gotten you back! We live south of the Wall. We're safe."

"There are Hunters who live south of the Wall, too. A lot of members of the Guild fled here when Stiles destroyed it," Chris said. "There's a village a few hundred miles west of here. We should go there first."

"And who the fuck are you to decide that for him?" the Captain demanded.

"Dad, calm down," Stiles said. "What I did to get free, it came at a cost. It's time I finally repay it."

"Haven't you already paid enough?" Isaac asked. "This isn't our fight."

"An entire group of people are being wiped out, just like the werewolves were. I'm one of them. I didn't choose to be, but it looks as though I'm their leader. I need to help them. I'd like my Pack to help me, but I'll go alone if I have to," Stiles said.

"I'll go with you," Derek said.

"Me too," Scott, Chris, Erica, and Boyd added in unison, each of them stepping forward.

Scott looked over to his Mate. "You don't have to come with us, Isaac. In fact, the Captain could use someone to protect him."

"Chris can stay, too," Derek offered. "I don't want him with us." Stiles cut Derek a sharp and disapproving glare.

"If Chris wants to come with us, he can come with us," Stiles said. "We'll need all the help we can get. And Chris is a former Hunter. Who better to have on our side?"

Derek snarled. He hated being undermined like that in front of the Pack. Stiles knew this, but he was tired of the struggle between his two loves. He wasn't able to finish what was started before the kitsunes were slaughtered.

"We should rest tonight, then set out first thing tomorrow," Boyd suggested.

"And how many more people are going to die while we're sleeping?" Stiles asked.

"He's right," Derek said. "We'll be better equipped to handle what comes our way after we've had some rest."

Stiles was too annoyed to argue. "We'll leave at dawn," he announced, heading back to the house he shared with Derek.

He was sitting on the bed when Derek finally came home. He was angry, still. He was also scared. "The entire pack was there, Stiles."

"I don't care," Stiles replied.

"Lately you've made it abundantly clear that you don't care how I feel… Or how what you do affects me," Derek said. "You don't actually seem to care about me at all. So when we've done this little journey and saved the kitsunes from slaughter, I'm leaving. I'm leaving the area. I'm leaving the pack. And I'm leaving you."

"Because I challenged your authority in front of the Pack?" Stiles demanded, rising to his feet in shock.

Derek looked dumbfounded. "Are you so fucking self-centered that you honestly think this is about that?"

"No this is about how butt-hurt you still are over Chris being here still!" Stiles countered.

Derek shook his head. "No, Stiles," he said. "Believe it or not, it isn't. It's about how I have stood idly by accepting betrayal after betrayal trying to convince myself that you'll change. That you'll get better. Do you know what it felt like to hear Deucalion be the one to tell me that I wasn't actually your first? Do you know what it feels like to walk past your Mate and smell another man on him? No. You don't. Because I'm not fucking around on you. I've been faithful to you since the day we met."

"You said you forgave me for what happened at the Panopticon," Stiles said.

"I said a lot of things in hopes of bringing the Stiles I fell in love with back to me. But that Stiles is dead. He's buried in the tomb where Chris' corpse ought to be," Derek said. "Instead, I'm stuck here with the most heartless and selfish asshole I've ever met."

Stiles couldn't believe how painful it was to hear Derek say that. "Do you regret rescuing me?"

"How can I regret doing something that never happened?" Derek replied. "I didn't rescue you. My Stiles died somewhere between the night you got taken and the night I found you. And the only thing I have to remember him by is this hateful, callous, manipulative asshole who looks like him and seems to take the utmost delight in hurting me."

"I don't like hurting you, Derek!"

"You couldn't prove that by me because that's all you've done in the past two years," Derek said. "And I'm done with it. I  _have_  to move on."

"But we're Mates," Stiles said, tears now falling from his eyes.

"No," Derek corrected. "You're _my_  mate. Chris is yours. You'll be fine. Somehow, you always end up fine. It's just the rest of us around you who suffer." Stiles tried to speak. He wanted to beg Derek to change his mind, but he knew he had no right to because Derek was right. He had been awful as a Mate and a boyfriend. And even if he had been able to find words to speak, Derek put his hand up to silence him. "Whatever you're about to say, I'm not interested. I'm going to sleep in the living room. I'll see you at dawn. We'll save your species, and then I'll set you free." Derek turned around, leaving Stiles alone with his thoughts. It was a punishment more cruel than he'd ever faced because it forced him to confront what he'd done to someone he truly loved. He had pushed Derek straight past anger and rage and right into apathy.

He listened for the sounds of Derek settling in before shifting and sneaking out the window, heading to his father's house. He shifted back before walking. His father was waiting for him with a robe he could cover himself with. "How did you know I was coming?"

"You're two Alphas who were fighting. We all heard you," the Captain replied. Stiles began to cry. He was quickly embraced by his father who stroked his head in an attempt to comfort him. "I've got you," the Captain said softly, shushing his weeping.

"I don't know what to do, dad," Stiles said as he finally pulled out of his father's grasp.

"You can't blame him, though," the Captain said. "I know I certainly can't. He held on much longer than I thought he would."

"Thanks, dad," Stiles said sarcastically. "That makes me feel great."

"I wasn't trying to make you feel better, Stiles. If anything, you should feel pretty awful about this," the Captain said honestly.

Stiles slunk into a chair. He already felt bad enough. "I don't know how to fix this, Dad."

"It seems pretty fucking obvious, Stiles. Get rid of Chris!"

"I can't!" Stiles replied. "He's my Mate."

"He's two years younger than me. It's creepy!" the Captain said.

"You don't understand what he did to help me while we were in the Panopticon," Stiles said.

"I know that I watched an Alpha rape you and then saw you carted off. I know I spent two weeks thinking you had been killed, only to find out that some Hunter who, might I remind you yet again, is two years younger than me was fucking you when your mental and emotional state was at its most vulnerable. Stiles, what you were feeling wasn't romance or love. You were experiencing Stockholm Syndrome," the Captain replied.

"Dad, you don't understand…"

Stiles' father shook his head. "No, Stiles… you don't understand. Scott was in that prison for two years. You and I were there for three weeks. You can't use the prison as an excuse for what you've done to Derek. Scott stayed true to Isaac. Derek has tolerated quite a bit from you. He has reached his wit's end. I can't tell you what it's going to take to keep him, or if you still even can at this point. All I can tell you is that you are seriously going to have to work on it. Now you need to get some rest. Dawn will be here before you realize it and you've got a journey ahead of you."

"Can I sleep here tonight?" Stiles asked.

"Of course. I'll get you a blanket," the Captain said. His features once again softened. "And for what it's worth Stiles… You made some progress today toward what it will take to keep Derek."

"What do you mean?"

"For the first time in a very long time, I can see  _my_  Stiles shining through the darkness."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Okay, so this chapter wasn't much longer than the last one. But now we have the central issue(s) that will face our characters. Let me know what you thought!


	5. Burning Bridges

The next morning, the pack gathered in the area between their houses. Scott and Isaac were hugging each other tightly. Both Chris and Derek were standing as far apart as they could. Everyone seemed to be waiting on him. He turned around and hugged his father. "Be safe, Stiles," the Captain whispered into his ear.

"I will," he replied. He turned around to face the pack. It all felt too awkward for him to say anything, so instead, he simply began walking in the direction of the village. The rest of the pack followed behind him.

The silence was both relieving and stifling. When they were a few miles away, Scott finally made him stop. "What's the plan. We're not sending the entire pack into a Hunter stronghold without a plan."

"If you see a Hunter, kill it," Stiles replied.

"That's not a plan and you know it, Stiles!" Scott scolded.

"I don't even know what to expect when we get there, how am I supposed to plan for that?" Stiles demanded.

"We're not walking into that village until we have a plan of attack," Derek echoed.

Stiles finally stopped walking and turned around to face his pack. "Why would any of you trust me to get this right when I can't even get my relationship right? I'm not the person to be making decisions. I only fuck them up."

"As much as I agree with that statement, it's the kitsunes who are in trouble. You're the only kitsune we know," Derek said. He turned to Chris. "What would the Hunters do?"

"Valuable kitsunes would be kept and detained, any who weren't important would be killed. That was what we felt last night. The moment the detained kitsunes stopped being useful, they'd be killed," Chris replied.

"Then I say we each enter from a different part of the village. We make it our mission to protect as many kitsunes as possible. But we need to detain at least a few for questioning," Derek said.

"The Hunters would kill themselves before they submitted to questioning by a werewolf," Chris replied.

"I can keep that from happening," Stiles said. "I'll use my power and immobilize them… then Derek can take the memories from them."

There was silence before Derek admitted the value in his plan, but the hesitant way in which he did hurt Stiles. Chris could sense the pain, but said nothing. They all got into position and once they were each inside the town, Stiles used his command over the earth to raise a barrier to keep the hunters in. The stench of death hung in the air and every hunter Stiles came in contact with was sucked into liquefied ground before Stiles solidified it back, trapping them all for questioning. He heard fighting and offered his help where he could, struggling hard to fight the urge to kill each one he saw. They all regrouped in the center of the village and Stiles used his power to move the captives toward them.

"You've never done that before," Chris said shocked as he watched the Hunters move through the ground.

"Whatever this place is, I feel stronger here," Stiles told him.

"Wherever there are many kitsunes, our power becomes more," said an older woman who had come out of hiding. "I sensed you were here."

"How many are left?" Stiles asked, trying not to be insensitive to the fact that the woman before him had just lost a large portion of her village to senseless tragedy.

"Perhaps a dozen. But we're all that's left of our kind in this part of the world. When the Hunters took over North America, we all moved down here. We thought we'd be safe… until you were made," she said.

"I beg your pardon?"

"They came after us to find you," she said. "We don't blame you for what happened, but if you had never been created, my friends and family would still be alive."

"That sounds like blame to me," Stiles said softly.

"You started out as a Nogitsune. You destroyed the Panopticon and slaughtered thousands," she said.

"It wasn't my fault!" Stiles insisted.

"I get the feeling that nothing ever is," she replied.

Derek noticed it first. "He's telling the truth," he said. "Stiles was raped and tortured and he thought he watched someone he loved get killed." Stiles felt how hard it was for Derek to say that.

"His very nature brings destruction and imbalance," she said. "He poses a danger to everyone around him. We would all be safer with him dead."

Derek bared his teeth. "You won't touch him!"

"It is an abomination for there to be an Alpha of our kind. The highest we have is the Celestial Kitsune!" the woman spat.

"Did she survive? Take me to her… she may be able to help!" Stiles said.

"The only help I could offer you is death," the woman said. "My name is Noshiko and  _I'm_  the Celestial Kitsune."

"Stiles only came here to help you all," Chris said.

"Empty words from a man who lacks honor," Noshiko replied dismissively. "Your order states that you should have taken your own life after you were turned."

"I needed to help Stiles. I needed to return his tails to him," Chris said. "And I'm Stiles' mate. If I were to die, he would live in agony for the rest of his days."

"And how many people did you make suffer, Hunter?" she demanded. She said the last word as if it were a slur of some sort.

"He isn't a Hunter anymore and I'm not a Nogitsune anymore! I'm an Earth kitsune!" Stiles insisted. "I felt the slaughter when it started. We came here to help you."

"Only after the slaughter had ended," Noshiko pointed out.

"You're intent on seeing only the bad in us," Scott pointed out. "What about me? I'm a True Alpha. You know what that means, don't you?"

Noshiko nodded. "And why you would surround yourself with such evil defies logic…"

"Stiles is my best friend. He's like a brother to me. It's true that he killed a lot of people when he was the Nogitsune, but he was acting out of vengeance. He's trying to recover from what happened to him. Stiles is a good person," Scott insisted. "I'll take full responsibility for his actions."

"Nobody should take responsibility for his actions except him," Noshiko said plainly.

"And I've taken responsibility for my actions. I'm trying to become a better person. I've hurt a lot of people… and I've hurt someone I love more than life itself and I'm tired of hurting people. I came here to try to protect you, but you would rather kill me, so I'll just leave you to yourselves," Stiles said angrily before storming off.

"What a wonderful Alpha we have, don't we?" Noshiko mocked. "The Alpha who came too late… after everyone had already been slaughtered!"

"Leave him alone," Derek said, finally speaking up in defense of Stiles. "He would have come last night had I not stopped him. You have all had your families to teach you how to be a kitsune. Stiles was bitten by me. He should have become a werewolf, but he didn't. We're here to help you, but we won't risk ourselves again if you don't want us to."

Stiles stopped in his tracks, turning to see Derek following him. When they were close, Derek whispered, "Are you alright?"

"Thanks for sticking up for me," Stiles said weakly. "When we get back home, I'm going to pack and leave… you shouldn't have to leave your pack because of me."

"What are you talking about?" Derek asked.

"Last night when you said…" Stiles started, but Derek interrupted him with a kiss.

"I was angry when I said it. I don't want you to leave," Derek replied, kissing him again. "I only want Chris to leave."

Stiles began crying. "I don't deserve you or your forgiveness," he said.

"You're right," Derek replied. "You have to earn it this time. You have to earn me, my trust, and my forgiveness."

"I'll do anything," Stiles vowed. "I just need to make sure Chris is going to be safe. Omegas don't last long… you know that."

"If he's your mate, he now has a permanent tie to the Pack. He can draw on our strength if he needs to," Derek said. "But this is your very last chance, Stiles. I'm not going through this same old song and dance again."

"I know," Stiles replied. "So what did you learn from our captives?"

"They kept one of each type of kitsune. They were merely following orders, unfortunately and had no idea why they were doing it… although one of them had a suspicion that the Hunters are trying to rebuild their ranks and use Kitsune magic as a weapon against us… and most specifically you."

"How could they be so organized already?" Stiles asked. "Their power was concentrated to the Panopticon and I completely destroyed it."

"Apparently they were able to transfer some of their research to an outpost they had on this side of the wall," Derek said. "But that's as far as their knowledge goes."

"How do you want to handle this?" Stiles asked. "Should we attack? I can demolish them without them ever knowing we were there and finish them off once and for all."

Derek shook his head. "No. You completely lost yourself the last time you did that."

"I have better control," Stiles insisted.

"I won't risk it," Derek replied dismissively. "You never really recovered from it."

Scott joined them, tired of arguing with Noshiko. "It may be our only opportunity to get rid of the Hunters forever, Derek."

"You don't know what it was like seeing him that way," Derek said.

"But if we can end the hold of terror the Hunters have over supernaturals, then don't we have an obligation to do it?" Scott asked.

"And what are we going to do with our captives?" Stiles asked before Derek could answer the question.

Neither had a chance to answer before Chris screamed, "Shut up!" and ripped the captives' heads off. Even from thirty feet away, Stiles could feel the rage coming off of him, its scent more pungent than the blood that covered him.

"Chris?" Stiles yelled running toward him. "What the hell?"

Chris moved back, looking down at his blood-drenched hands. "I… I'm sorry."

"Why did you kill them?" Scott demanded. "We could have used them as hostages…"

"I am so sorry," Chris said. "I just… they kept taunting me… they called me a traitor and a coward. I was weak… I'm so sorry."

"It's too late now…" Stiles blurted.

"You wolves are savages," Noshiko said. "Leave this place! It has seen enough death!"

"My offer to protect you still stands," Stiles told her.

"It seems that I am more in need of protection  _from_  you," Noshiko said before turning away.

The pack all headed back in the direction of home. "I really don't like her," Stiles muttered before shifting into a fox and climbing up onto Derek's shoulder. Derek winced a bit as Stiles' claws scratched him as he tried to get leverage, but Derek didn't mind. It had been a while since he had felt so close to Stiles.

Chris watched them feeling incredibly possessive in a way he had never before. Scott noticed the tension immediately. "Are you alright, man?" he asked.

"I'll be fine," he lied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Sorry it's so short and sorry for such a wait on the update. I've been super blocked for some of my stories, but I'm trying to get them finished. Let me know what you thought.


End file.
